July 2010

July 5th: On July 2nd we went to the Owls baseball game with Amber and Briton. The game wasn't all that fun, but I was glad to just be with Chris. Saturday Chris and I hung out together all day. It was such a good day, not only did I enjoy the activities Chris and I did but I loved how affectionate Chris was being with me. Together we made home-made pizza, went and watched Toy Story 3, watched the stadium of fire fireworks, and then snuggled while watching a movie. Sunday I went to Church with them again and then

afterwards Drew, Tiffany, Chris, and I went down to my house. When we got to my house we just talked, had dinner, and Chris helped me make lemon bars, while all the kids teased Drew and Tiff about getting married. It was really funny. That would be something if they did! On Monday, Tiff and I woke up and ate breakfast together. After we finished eating we took breakfast up to Drew and  Chris in bed. After all of us ate we got all the horses ready, took pictures and went on like a 4 hour ride without any water or food. My dang horse was having problems with his feet and a couple of times stoped completely and wouldn't move. I thought the ride was still a lot of fun, Chris and I ran the horses as fast as we could, that was fun. 

Once we got back to the house I quickly took a shower and packed for the next whole week. Once we were all ready, we drove back up to prove, dropped Drew and Tiff off, Chris quickly took a shower, then Chris and I went to his grandmas house for the 4th of July. It was so much fun, I really enjoy his family. His cousin Kensee liked me a lot and followed me around every where she is so cute. We watched a bunch of fire works and then once everyone left Chris and I watched Robin Hood and then spent the night at his Grandma's house. The next day we went back to his apartment and stayed there until 4. At 4 Chris left for work and I stayed there with Drew and Heath. We eventually went to institute and then went and played sand volleyball. Chris got off work at 10 that night. Wednesday the 7th of July was Chris's birthday! I got him a picture of us, a bracelet that I made, and my old i pod (because he wanted it for working out), which he really liked all of it. My parents come around 10 a.m. to pick us up to head to Boise. It was a very long drive but Chris and I watched Prison Break the whole way and slept. Deana and her family loved Chris, he was so good to the kids. We celebrated Chris's birthday that night with his favorite, strawberry short cake. Thursday we got up at 6 am to head to Washington State. When we got to the hotel, Chris and I went and jumped in the pool. The ride was so hot and long. We then went to Jessica's house and had dinner and walked through the forest. Eric out of the blue told Chris and I about the time he asked for my dad's permission to marry Deana, it was random. That night me and the other bridesmaids stayed the night at Jessica's with her. I felt horrible sending Chris by himself with my parents. I found out later that when Chris was alone with my dad, he was asking him about when Eric and Kyle asked for permissions to marry. My dad thought that Chris was going to ask too, but he didn't. I think that Chris is really starting to think about marrying me. Anyway, Friday was the wedding, it was all good, I was just sick of wearing the heals. While Chris and I were waiting for our ride, he kept saying all of this stuff towards us getting married, I didn't say much, I know that he just keeps getting more and more towards the thought of us really getting married. The rest of the week until Monday, we drove a lot, went to the ocean, went to a waterfall, and then drove some more. On Monday it felt so weird to me dropping Chris off. I have spent everyday with him for the past two weeks. Last night Marla and I some how got planning my reception. Today, just now, I am getting off the phone with him. We talked for about 1 hour 10 min . I told him my stress and concerns about us getting married....if we don't hurry and get engaged I won't have time to plan it. I almost starting crying on the phone because it is just hard when I know and want to get married to him, I am at a 100% and he is at 85% and still needs time to figure it all out. I told him how hard it's been for me, but I can do it and keep having patience.  Being at the wedding and seeing them so happy definitely made me want to get married all that much more! I am so grateful that he talked it out with me, he knows that I needed to. I think that the next month a lot is going to change. I wish I could just start getting ready for the reception now, get engaged in August and get married the day before Thanksgiving. There is just a lot that needs to be started on and I can't. But I am really glad that he wants to be at 100% first and wants to know what he is getting into. He wants to know the answer now, so I think by this conversation, he'll be thinking and praying a lot more about it. I just love him so much, I guess that is why it is all so hard for me. He is coming down this weekend so we can talk more about it. I think that in the back of my mind I know everything will turn out right, I just don't want to get my hopes up I guess. I really don't know how I absolutely know he is the one, I am just going by faith. I feel like the Lord is really with me on this and giving me the strength to wait and have patience with Chris. I love him so much and I am willing to do all of this and go through this for him. I am so grateful that the Lord is with me. I am praying for Chris in everything that he needs to do and what he has to go through too.

Quote from dad's journal: "I like the picture below of Chris and Amber.  It looks like they are walking in thought.  It sounds like it is getting pretty serious with them.  They are looking at housing and talking of marriage, but Chris has not proposed yet.  He might be a little concerned in asking for my permission.  Ha! Ha!  Maybe, I’ll make it hard for him. "

July 22nd:  Friday through Sunday Chris came down it was so much fun to have him here with me. My parents really enjoyed having him down. Him and I went weight lifting, rock climbing (which was fun), swimming, and just enjoyed being with each other. I swear every time it has been getting harder and harder when he leaves. This time it was tough and it didn't help that it was that time of the month and Bill was here always asking questions about him when I was trying not to even think about him. Monday was a rough day. I worked all day out in the garden. I think that I got heat stroke from it, I didn't feel good at all. Then I went swimming with all the kids and Bill's kids. Later after eating we all went out to the hot pots. Sunday I called Chris, so I figured on Monday I would wait for Chris to call me. I have decided to back off some and give him space. I want him to do things for me because he misses me a loves me I just don't want to be pushy and make him feel like he has to. Anyway, Monday night he didn't call. By that time I was tired and emotional as it was, just sick of the whole situation. Marla Started talking to me and it

brought up all the emotions. I went to bed and just cried it all out. It is just hard because I want to talk with him or see him or something really bad, and sometimes I don't feel like he feels the same way. I hate it how he is up there working and having fun with his roommates and I am here working my butt off and not knowing what or if he is at all thinking about us getting married and if he is, if it is only because I pushed him to. Anyway Tuesday was fun. I got op early and mowed all the house lawns and then right after that, which took me 31/2 hours until 12, I went hiking with Bill and Jenell's families. It was a hard 3 mile hike just to get there. I felt so over heated by the time I got there that I just jumped in the cold stream. We got back around six and mom and I went home and crashed. I was so tired and sore that I could have slept right then and there, but Chris said that he would call me after work so I stayed up until 10 to talk.  I love just to hear from him so it was totally worth it, and to just get caught up with everything. He told me that he would call me Wednesday night as well. I looked forward for that call. Wednesday I mowed the shop lawns and it took me all day practically, I got burnt and sore too. Chris sent me a email with apartment pictures. It made me really excited and happy, but I controlled those feelings and didn't really know how to respond. I don't want to be excited or get my hopes up because it makes everything so hard. But seriously he is throwing me on a emotional rollercoaster...One minute he says he ins't ready and the next he is sending me apartment pictures of potential places to live....What is happening! I especially don't want to get my hopes up about stupid phone calls especially after last night when he never did call me. At least I was kept busy so it wasn't too bad, but it still bothers me that he couldn't at least call and say "hi I love you, I'm busy, just wanted to say good night''. That's all I need, but he didn't Oh well, I should be used to it by now. Aspen came over yesterday, we went swimming and watched a movie . It was a lot of fun, fun that I haven't had in a while. She slept over too. After She left I did find a message from Chris on facebook that he sent early this morning. He said something like, " Amber Darling, how are you my dear?!

Sorry I didn't call yesterday, it was really hectic, I have been cutting meat ever since I got home from work and until I went to bed which was early because I had to get op at 6 to work. But it was nice to see you and your family last night....haha in mydreams! Yes it may be shocking but I couldn't stop thinking about you, what a surprise." His mom says we should get married because we would have cute babies. I was really happy that he sent me a message at least, better than nothing, I just don't see why he couldn't call me on his way home from work. Oh well. I replied to his message, staying positive and up beat, I don't want to keep nagging at him and plush him away ... IDK maybe that's why he doesn't want to call me. I told him that I am leaving it up to him to call me if he wants because I don't know what his schedule is like. I told him he should though before he leaves for his camping trip. I guess I will see if he puts an extra effort to call me or if I have to wait until next week. I think I am just SICK of this distance stuff and frustrated not knowing if he feels the same way ... I kind of doubt it for some reason. I am just going to wait and be patient, he is a good man a means well, I am probably just being too critical.  I just need to stop worrying and thinking about him and if he calls me Great if not oh well and I will learn some stuff. Today I am just watching Jenell's kids all day. Yay!! Now I know why falling in love is so gash durn Hard and it is probably all fine of dandy for him! good At least somebody is happy. Makes me wonder it this is how it's going to be like if I get married. Do I want this? I want him to make me feel of worth and feel like I am number one in his book. I'm just not feeling like he does and if he does, he sure is good at hiding his feelings .

July 25th: First of all, Chris ended up calling me that night. I haven't written in here since then because I have been super busy. I was so happy and excited when he called, I wasn't expecting it at all. He was with his buddies! We had a good long talk and I was grateful. I'm still having a hard time though because I want to see him so bad and I don't know that if it is the same for him. I have so many things that I want to talk about and find out. These past couple of days have been a lot of fun. The 23rd I went with Jenell to help with her kids and her nieces wedding. This is the second wedding that I have been to in the past two months and can't help but think about Chris and how I wish it was my wedding. I don't know, sometimes I get the idea that Chris is simply not ready to get married. On the 24th I woke up at 5:30 to go run in Kanosh the 5K I ran it in 25.42 without any training. I then went to work at the shop and earned $70. So far all together I have earned $266 is the past two weeks. Later that night I went to the Kanosh dance, I called Chris first and left him a message. He called me last night and I was so happy to hear from him. He had just gotten back from camping/hiking the tallest mountain in Utah. He said that he was hurting pretty bad from hiking and blisters on his feet like crazy. 

Man I just really wish I knew what he was thinking about him and I. This distant relationship isn't easy for me. I always imagined a relationship would be a piece of cake, like a fairy tale. I wish he would just pop the question and wish everything was perfect, just fine and dandy, But I guess this is life ... I just have to go with the flow! Maybe I just need to break up with him again, that would sure make him think and act faster haha!  Holy cow, tonight I was on the verge of breaking down and crying. I was talking to Marla and telling her how my needs aren't feeling met, I gave up my whole social life with my guy friends, he's my only outside of family social link, and how this little small town Meadow is making me go crazy and he is up there. I was almost ready to do or say Something to Chris that I would have regreted, until he called me! Man that phone call was exactly what I needed to hear. It was all so good that it is almost a blur. He told me how he has realized how much I say I miss you and love you all the time and how he hasn't. He said that he was sorry and should have said those things and that he thinks about me all the time and talks about me all the time to his roommates that it is as if I am there and that his roommates are probably going crazy. I so much needed to hear that. I am going to go up to see him Thursday and stay there until Saturday morning then he'll come home until Sunday or Monday morning, I am so excited, I miss him so much and can't wait to see him. I hate this long distance stuff but I think that it is good for us, it helping us grow stronger, especially with our communication. I've learned that I too, as well as Chris, have a hard time expressing my feelings....I express it all on here. Chris said that he feels some what embarrassed, well I am the same way, but I love to hear it from him and need to learn to express my appreciation. Chris said that is the difference between men and women, about expressing feelings, but that he is willing to be trained...just needs a treat every now and then, which would be my words of kindness and appreciation. At least we are both willing to try, learn, and grow together. I think that as of now, we are both at the same level on our communication. I absolutely can not wait for this weekend, I am so excited.